I was changing the baby's diaper when I exclaimed, "Baby, you have stinky, stinky poops!" Lochlan chimed in, "Baby, you have two stinkies poops."
While preparing to blow his nose, Lochlan stated matter-of-factly, "I need to blow my burgers. It's gonna get loud in here for a while."
After enjoying some delicious Bear Creek dehydrated potato soup, we faced the long trip home to Provo from St. George. Unfortunately, Jaren and I both got the "toots" (a situation we should have expected), and mine were especially putrid. One of us remarked that it smelled like death. After thinking for a moment, I announced, "No. It smells worse than that. It smells like death farted!"
"Here I sit all broken hearted. I tried to poop, but only farted. Then one day I took a chance. I tried to fart and crapped my pants." - Jaren's dad
"If we had cake, we could have cake and ice cream, if we had ice cream." -Grandpa Hafen
"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy." - Jack Handy
"The whiter the bread, the sooner you're dead." - Dad
"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy." - Jack Handy
When I made a comment about someone farting in a car, Jaren's dad remarked, " It is better for all to suffer a little than for one to suffer a lot."
“Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.” - Demetri Martin
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh?", but if it's in a basket you're like " This is nice!" - Demetri Martin
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.” - Demetri Martin
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.” - Jack Handy
“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.” - Jack handy
“The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?” - Jack Handy
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.” - Demetri Martin
“Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.” - Jack Handy